Can I be really honest and transparent for a moment? When Honeybee was in Ethiopia, there were some quiet peaceful days. Dimples was at school, and my three little ones played peacefully together. School with Ladybug and Boo was calm and pleasant. My days felt full and satisfying.
A thought kept flitting through my mind, which I finally spoke aloud to my friend, “You know, if we had stuck with our original plan, this would have been my life.” We hadn’t planned to adopt older children. We were sensible, we knew our limits. We knew that two little boys would be just right for us.
But God had a different plan. His plan was big and risky, at least in our minds. Could we embrace it? Did we have the courage? The words spilled out and my friend and I laughed together, but my laughter was tinged with a touch of sadness. Later that day I got this email from my dear, wise, friend.
I was just thinking about the comment that you said earlier about your secret thought of, “This could have been my life.” I just wanted to encourage you in your journey, because it hit me that no, it wouldn’t have been your life. Because had it been, you would still be restless and unsatisfied with a “normal” life, eager for the next change or challenge. So it wouldn’t have felt blissful and easy, but perhaps frustrating, living with the feeling that though life is swell, you’re not living up to your full potential, and somehow missing some of what God had for you.
As it is, your life is busy, full, and yes, stressful! But fully dependent on God, and with many great purposes. So, enjoy your short respite, but know that it is NOT a picture of what life could have been. It is simply a picture of what life is like every once in awhile now, when some of your very special people clear out to make more focused time with some of your other very special people! You are a blessing and an inspiration to me (and yes, that does scare me!).
May God forgive me for thinking that I know what is best for me or that I know what my life would have been like had I made different choices along the way. He knows my every thought and He alone holds my life in His hands. While I may be tempted to desire “easier”, what I really want is to give Him my all…even when it hurts, is inconvenient, or exhausting. I want to live each day surrendered to His good will for me.
Easier is not better. Hard can be good. And as one fellow adoptive mom said, “It’s not over until it’s over.”